Once again, it has been a while.
It's been a month since I've been back in the states, and picking up where I left off has been a bit more difficult than I had anticipated. Transitions are always difficult, but I am thankful for this period of time in my life.
There are so many things all of us take for granted because we don't realize how precious they are until we lose them.
In my younger days, I was considered an intensely insane force of energy that was always on the go. I would out run any boy on the playground, climb any tree, and jump over fences. I played soccer and did taekwondo. I wasn't a super hero in my younger days, but I was a healthy rambunctious child who thought she was invincible and was always testing her limits.
In middle school, I was diagnosed with a condition that has been testing my body's limits to this very day. At the age 12, I made some rash decisions without weighing what the future would bring. I didn't take into consideration any of the long term damage that I would be causing myself. I was set on the belief that if I ignored things and forced myself to act normal, everything would be okay.
In the beginning things were fine, but as my disorder progressed it was obvious to many that I was far from normal. At the age of 13 I became very self-conscious, and middle schoolers can be very unforgiving towards anyone who appears somewhat different. Due to the fear of sticking out, I refused treatment. After my 14th birthday, things kept progressing and it became too late to treat my condition with minor procedures. I now realize during that time I was only thinking about the superficial problems and was too concerned with what others would think. I ended up hurting myself and making my parents worry a lot.
As time passed, the more stubborn I became. Every time I felt fatigued or as if something wasn't right, I'd try to attribute it to something that had nothing to do with my disorder. I was always rationalizing and denying. I kept telling myself as long as I focused on school and other things, that everything would go smoothly and according to plan. I was so set on dealing with things on my own terms and doing things my way. I was a stubborn headstrong teenager.
I am now at the age of 22. I let my disorder go untreated all this time. I am in constant pain and have begun to develop heart and lung problems. I am at the point where pretending and ignoring will no longer work, and I've also painted myself into a corner. My physical deformity and the discerning opinions of my peers are now the least of my problems because I'm facing a larger monster.
Why???
Why did I choose to share something so personal on Xanga at this moment?
There are 2 reasons as to why:
1) Testimony 2) Prayer Support
Testimony:
As a Christian at the age of 12, I couldn't understand a couple of the most fundamental things about God's love.
As my condition progressed I became angry and bitter at times. I would ask, ¡°Why is this happening to me?¡± I'd lash out at my parents and have outbursts with friends and make up reasons for my frustration and irrational behavior. The fact that my body didn't look like and couldn't keep up with everyone else's frustrated me beyond what I alone could handle. I was so intent on fixing things my own way, and in turn it caused me to become someone I didn¡¯t want to become.
The first fundamental aspect I failed to realize was that regardless of the way I looked on the outside, it shouldn't have mattered. I was a beautiful child of God regardless of what anyone thought. I failed to find strength and comfort in knowing that. I feared being teased and called "abnormal" because I was scared of being the odd person out. At that time I didn¡¯t realize regardless of how the world treated me, I would have never been left alone. I had His support. There are worse things than being lonely, but loneliness can always make things worse. As a Christian, I shouldn't let those feelings get to me because I am never truly alone.
The second thing I failed to realize is that it was never my way or my plan to begin with. I thought if I kept pushing myself to ignore my problem and accomplish ¡°great things¡± then I really wouldn¡¯t have a problem. I pushed myself to pursue becoming a doctor and being a perfectionist. I felt that if I could accomplish something great my limitations would be overlooked. During this time I also forced myself into believing that it was the direction that God was leading me in. When I failed to accomplish what I believed to have been His plan, I let it take a toll on my spiritual life because the pain and disappointment were too much.
Yesterday as I was reading something, and it helped me to come to terms with not becoming discouraged about my future life.
My utmost for His highest: August 3rd 2006. http://www.rbc.org/utmost/index.php .
¡°We are not taken into a conscious agreement with God¡¯s purpose— we are taken into God¡¯s purpose with no awareness of it at all. We have no idea what God¡¯s goal may be; as we continue, His purpose becomes even more and more vague. God¡¯s aim appears to have missed the mark, because we are too nearsighted to see the target at which He is aiming. At the beginning of the Christian life, we have our own ideas as to what God¡¯s purpose is. We say, "God means for me to go over there," and, "God has called me to do this special work." We do what we think is right, and yet the compelling purpose of God remains upon us. The work we do is of no account when compared with the compelling purpose of God. It is simply the scaffolding surrounding His work and His plan. "He took the twelve aside . . ." ( Luke 18:31 ). God takes us aside all the time. We have not yet understood all there is to know of the compelling purpose of God.¡±
I am no longer going to view my past decisions as failing mistakes and regrets. As my vague future involving my health and school progresses, I will no longer oppose and ignore things that I believe I can control of my own accord. I am no longer going to be angry or be full of self-pity because I know that from this point that the situations I will encounter are because He chose me and the least I can do is bare some discomfort for His greater purpose.
When bad things happen, don't let them make you angry, bitter, unpleasant, and desperate, don't let them cause you to make rash decisions that will leave you filled with clouding disappointment. Turn to Him and seek His guidance because in fact these are all a part of the compelling plan He is unfolding before us.
Keep fighting the good fight.
Prayer Support:
I've seen one spinal surgeon since I've returned home, and I've been informed that my condition has progressed a lot faster than expected. The doctor informed me that my only option for prevention is surgery, but at my age it is very difficult and there are many risks. He was uncertain on how to advise me at this point in time, and we're working against a time clock. I will be losing my medical insurance in January when I turn 23, and so action has to be taken as soon as possible.
I am going to see a second doctor who is considered a more specialized expert on my condition tomorrow, and decisions will be made. If I end up going through with the surgery I will be away from UGA for the fall semester.
God listens to our prayers, but prayer in numbers is a greater tool.
I'm asking those who are reading this to say a little prayer for me if you can.
Your prayers are greatly needed, and will be greatly appreciated.
Take care and God bless,
Penny
Dandelions are tough weeds that can scatter and grow strong in many places.
Here's a picture of me back in my tom boy days at a Synod retreat I think I was in the 9th or 10th grade at that time. The reason why decided to post this is because we were flexing them muscles and you gotta be strong in order to fight the good fight! ^__~
Good luck to everyone who is starting school in the next coming days!
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At the ripe old age of 22, Penny's love life is still non-existent... I've been pretty good with the singleness, but as of lately too many reminders have been thrown my way... *sigh* Let's hope I can prevail strong once again. I pray and I hope... God answers prayers, and patience is always a good thing.
